06 Police Squad Episode 6 - 1982 English

[MALE NARRATOR]
Police Squad! In colour.

Starring Leslie Nielsen.

Also starring Alan North.

[GUNS FIRING]

[SCREAMING]

And Rex Hamilton
as Abraham Lincoln.

[GUN FIRING]

Tonight's special guest star,
William Conrad.

[GROANING]

Tonight's episode,
Dead Men Don't Laugh.

And all the rabbits
just kept hopping along.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS] Well, things are really rough
all over though.

Last week I took my family to Disneyland.
We get off the freeway.

Sign said Disneyland left,
so we went home.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Well, on behalf of the management,
and I'd like to be half of the management,

[AUDIENCE LAUGH]

Please drink up, enjoy yourselves
and I'll see you later.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

[MAN WHISTLING]

That's a very good show, Joey.

- Boss wants to see you.
- Oh, yeah.

[VERONICA] Vic tells me that
some of the money I gave you

to pay the Frenchman
was missing.

[CHAIR CREAKING]

The Frenchman was very upset.

Let me take your coat.

And when he's upset,

I'm upset.

Look, I... I don't care what they say.
I didn't steal a thing.

So what do I tell the Frenchman?

Just tell him...

[GULPING]

I'll take care of everything.

Veronica, I'd never double-cross you.
I swear on my life.

Listen, Joey,
that's good enough for me.

Come on, let's have a drink
and forget about it.

Hey, w-we make
a great team, don't we?

Let's toast to it.

Here's to your health.

[JOEY] That old black magic
has me in its spell

That old black magic
that you weave so well

Those 'my fingers up... I

[VERONICA] Just tell the Frenchman
I'll take care of everything.

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

- Put up your hands.
- Oh!

[YELPING]

[SCREAMS]

[CAR CRASHING]

My name is Sergeant Frank Drebin,
Detective Lieutenant, Police Squad.

I was driving home Mary,
the boss' wife,

when I received an urgent call
to report to the city morgue.

I raced over.

What had originally appeared to be
a routine drunk driving fatality

was now developing into
a somewhat more involved situation.

Even though the reported crash
had been a size able one,

various elements
of the victim's bloodstream

had led the police coroner
to suspect something more.

And we didn't need
this kind of tsuris.

A battery of pathologists
and reconstruction experts

were assigned to the case.

Crime can be a terrifying threat
to members of a community.

And we had no intention of letting this
or any other go unchecked.

When I arrived at the morgue,
my boss had already begun

to investigate
the physical evidence.

As was our custom in such cases,
we began to talk.

This is disgusting.

Yeah, I can't take looking
at that sort of thing.

[HOCKEN GAGGING]

Don, where have you got
the body of Joey Koldys?

Oh, right here.
Excuse me.

It's a typical 415.

- 415?
- Yes.

The body was found
415 feet from the car.

Oh?

[DREBIN] It must have been
a terrible accident.

- Yes. But the crash didn't kill him.
- Oh?

This man died
of a drug overdose.

Not only that, gentlemen,
but the quantity involved was so massive

that it is my opinion
Mr. Koldys' death

was either suicide or murder.

Now, gentlemen,
if you'll excuse me.

You know, Frank,
there's another thing about Joey Koldys.

He was a courier for a major
drug running operation

and a police informant.
I think he was murdered.

Well, you think he was killed
because he was a stoolie?

Maybe.

He was always bragging about
all the big money he handled.

Maybe he got stupid
and tried to rip some off.

- Thanks again, Don.
- Oh, you're welcome.

Multiple bruises
of the upper torso,

some indication
of cardiovascular failure.

Turning to the weather,

we have a cold front
moving in from the west

that'll bring us
some showers tonight.

Now, here's the latest
from Neil Diamond,

going out to Margot from Barry.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

- Ed?
- Frank.

File on Koldys?

Yeah, yeah, it's a complete
detailed report.

Born 1942 in Philadelphia.

In and out of foster homes
till the age of 15.

Then he moved into Smith's home.

He wasn't happy there either.
Then he fought Larry Holmes.

Last known address was
a mobile home in Alabama.

Married one child.
That didn't work out,

- so he married a grown woman.
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

Hmm.

I wonder how Joey
got involved with a dope ring.

He was a comedian
at a nightclub called Mr. V's.

The place was a front
for a dealer named Veronica Rivers.

Unfortunately, our contact
in the organization

[FANFARE]
is gone now, Frank.

And what's worse is
we don't have a line on the supplier,

some guy called the Frenchman.

Hmm. Until we get him, there's no sense
going after the little fish.

- [NATIVES HOOTING]
- That's right. And to get the big fish,

we're gonna need some bait.

Can we get anyone else
on the inside?

Well, there is a job
at Mr. V's open right now.

Joey's.

[DREBIN] Mr. V's is a high-class operation
in the exclusive Shore wood area

that had launched the careers of some
of the biggest names in show business.

Although alleged to be a mob hangout
by Ricky The Weasel Saltstein,

we had no hard evidence
against the club.

I decided to put in my application
for Joey Koldys' job.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Madam.

- Excuse me. You the manager?
- Uh, yes.

I'm an entertainer from out of town.
I hear you have an opening.

Sorry, pal, we filled it.

Nicky, where have you been?
Hurry up, will you? You're almost on!

I missed the bus.

Look, we already
got an entertainer.

Why don't you come back
in a couple of weeks?

- You Nicky McBreen?
- Yeah.

- You're under arrest.
- For what?

For reproducing the accounts,
pictures or descriptions

of a major league baseball game

without the express written
consent of the commissioner.

- Okay, so I taped the game.
- All right, let's go.

I had a few friends over,
but I but I didn't charge them.

All right,
a couple of bucks a head.

Hey, what're you doing?
Without him, I got no show!

Hey, what about me?
I'm hot and ready to go.

Looks like I got no choice.
What's your name?

DeWonderful.
Tony DeWonderful.

Tony. You're on.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Johnny Friendly Trio.

Well, I just flew in from out of town
and a guy in the airport

came up to me and says,
Give me $5 till payday,

and I said,
Well, when is payday?

And he said, How do I know?
You got the job.

I got a bad back, you know.
My father has a bad back, too.

So I guess it runs in the family.
In 50 years,

I haven't seen him pick up a check.

But you know, seriously, I mean it.
We did come from a poor family.

Uh, the health department
wouldn't condemn our house

until we had it painted.

[DRUM ROLL]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Anyway, s-seriously,
seriously now, seriously,

hold it, hold it now, seriously.

Anyway, the gal came back
from her honeymoon.

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

She was alone and her parents
welcomed her with open arms

and they said to her...
[STARTS SPEAKING GERMAN]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[QUOTING PUNCHLINE
IN GERMAN]

[ALL LAUGHING]

Well, anyway, the guy
looked up at her and he said,

Lady, I don't think I can
take 67 more of those.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know, my sister was so ugly,

they used to put a pork chop
around her neck

to get the dog to play with her.

She was also so dumb
she came in one time

with hot tar on her hand and she said,
Look what I almost stepped in.

[DRUM ROLL]

[MAN WHISTLING]

[LAUGHING]

Hey, that's some laughter here.

Is that your wife beside you
or you just throw up on the seat?

- [APPLAUSE]
- [DRUM ROLL]

[WHISTLING]

No, no, no, no,
just a minute now. Hold on.

No, really, time to get serious.
I'd like now to do for you

my tribute

to that fantastic performer,
a great lady,

Judy.

[PIANO PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE SIGHING]

Clang, clang, clang
went the trolley

Ding, ding, ding
went the bell a'

Zing, zing, zing
went my heartstrings a'

You know you made me, yes, I do

You know I do, indeed I do

Give me, give me, give me,
give me what I cry for

You know you got
the kind of kisses that I die for

If happy little
bluebirds fly above

Beyond the rainbow I

Why, oh, why I

Can't I?

[ALL CHEERING]

[MAN WHISTLING]

[MUSIC AND APPLAUSE
OVER SPEECH]

[PIANO PLAYING]

Tony.

I've seen the greatest. Sinatra,
Wayne Newton, Carl Yastrzemski.

That was the greatest performance
I've ever seen in my life.

- Oh, not really.
- Oh, yeah.

Listen, the boss is here.
She wants to meet you.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Have a seat, Mr. DeWonderful.

Thank you.

- Thanks, Vic.
- Right.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

You looked pretty good up there.
How'd you like a job at my club?

So you must be Mr. V?

Veronica Rivers.
You work this room real well.

I heard about it
from a friend of mine, Joey Koldys.

- Terrible thing that happened to him.
- Hmm.

- Would you like a drink?
- Why not?

Good. I took the liberty
of ordering you our house special.

To your health, kid.

[SPUTTERING]

[COUGHING]

Tony, are you okay?

[GROANS]

Went down the wrong pipe.

Oh.

Listen, uh, if you're gonna work here,
you'll need a contract.

So, why don't we go over to my office,
and you can sign one, hmm?

Fine.

Hold it right there, Rivers!

Who are you?

My name is Jerry Layne.
This is Lester.

We came here before.
You wouldn't even watch our act.

Well, now I'm gonna force you
to give us an audition.

Sit down, both of you.

Now, Jerry, you'll never
get away with this.

Why don't you give me that gun
and we'll forget about it.

Sit down and shut up!

Now, here's my act.

Lester, I heard
you had a girlfriend.

- Yes.
- Is she pretty?

- Try repulsive.
- Repulsive.

No, but you're getting close.

And now, I'm gonna do
an imitation of a priest

- eating potato chips.
- Stay where you are, mister.

You better do what he says.
He'll blow your brains out.

Jerry, all I wanna do
is tell you that

I... I think that your act
is really good.

- You do?
- No, he doesn't.

No, I do. I really do.

It's a very good act.
Now just relax.

Cigarette?

Yes, I know.

Well, I think that, uh,
Thursday night here,

the 8:00 spot would be
good for you.

- Do you really?
- [LESTER] No, he doesn't.

It's just a trick, stupid.

Yeah, how do I know
you'll come through?

Well, that's easy.
All you have to... Look out!

Say, that was nice work.

You took a big chance doing that.

Well, you take a chance
getting up in the morning,

crossing the street
or sticking your face in a fan.

Well, I like the way
you did that.

I could use a man
like you around here.

How'd you like to make
a little extra cash?

What do I have to do?

Just a little errand.
Pick up my car tomorrow morning.

It's down at the docks.

[DREBIN] When I got to the doc's,

everything was in order
as Veronica had said.

Drug trafficking is the heart
and soul of criminal activity in the city,

and I knew we had
tapped the source.

But now to find the evidence.

I dropped the car off at the lab
for a more thorough investigation.

So you see, Katie,

objects get their shape from
the arrangement of their molecules.

If you apply force
to these molecules,

their arrangement is altered,
and the shape of the object is changed.

Now, did you bring me
your Crying Judy doll?

- Here she is, Mr. Olson.
- All right.

Let's see what happens
when we put Crying Judy

in the trash compactor.

[DOLL CRYING]

Oh, hi, Frank.

Katie, why don't you
run along now?

Next week we'll learn
why cows look forward to giving milk.

[KATIE] Gee, thanks, Mr. Olson. Bye.

- What'd you come up with, Ted?
- The boys are working on the car.

They haven't found anything yet.
Let me show you what we're doing.

Now, Ed, I know the car is dirty.

There's got to be drugs
here somewhere.

[ALL] Going to Mississippi

Going to see Delilah

Going to Mississippi

Going to see Delilah

Oh, I don't know, Frank.
The pieces don't get much smaller.

We got it! We got it!

It was in the glove compartment.

Well, look what we've got here.

[HOCKEN] Are you sure
that's the real thing?

There's only one way to find out.

Frank, you know
we've had this car over six hours.

Yeah, Veronica's
gonna get suspicious.

- Let's get this car back together fast.
- Right.

[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

Shine, little glow-worm,
glimmer, glimmer

Shine, little glow-worm,
glimmer... I

Shine, little glow-worm,
glimmer, glimmer

Wow, these guys are incredible!

Ed, we know how
Veronica gets this stuff.

Now we gotta flush out
the source, the Frenchman.

To do that, Frank,
we're gonna have to find out

when the next drop will be.

The car is all back together.

We did the best we could.
There were a few pieces left over.

You know, Frank,

I'll bet that doctor
who gave you the car

could give us some answers.

You're right. Let's go.

- [CHATTERING]
- Sponge on this side, please.

[CARDIOGRAPH BEEPING]

All right, take him!

[DREBIN] After I returned the car,
my boss and I grabbed the doctor

- and booked him for drug trafficking.
- [NURSE] What's going on here?

[DREBIN] After a lengthy interrogation,
he told us the next drop-off

was going to be that night,
but he didn't know where.

I decided to see
if one of my sources knew anything.

Johnny, what do you know
about illegal narcotics?

The city's been bone-dry
because of the unstable political situation

in the drug-producing
countries of Latin America.

I understand there's gonna be
a drop tonight. Do you know where?

Word on the street has it
the action's happening at Mr. V's.

Thanks, Johnny.

Johnny, uh, some kids
on the show yesterday

mentioned a new kind
of music, ska.

- Do you know anything about it?
- How should I know?

Nothing but a modern
offshoot of reggae,

updated white rock influences,
definitely upbeat.

It'll never become really popular

because even though they've made
the back beat more conventional,

it's still too exotic
for mass acceptance.

Johnny, I need some more
of that secret formula youth cream.

Thanks, Johnny.

Everything's all set, Frank.
We've got men covering all the exits.

Well, the Frenchman's
gotta be here tonight.

Don't worry, I'll flush him out.
It shouldn't be too hard

to find a Frenchman
in this crowd.

Tony? Showtime.

All right, here you go.

- — Gotta go.
- Good luck, Mr. DeWonderful.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[PIANO PLAYING]

There are chicks
just right for the kissing

And I mean
to kiss me a few! a'

Man, those chicks don't know
what they're missing

I've got a lot of living to do!

- Hey!
- Thank you!

- Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
- [MAN WHISTLING]

Thank you. Thank you.

- Where do you live, lady?
- Right here.

At the table? Where'd you put
your car? In the coat room?

- [DRUM ROLL]
- [LAUGHTER]

What do you do, sir?

- [MAN 1] Nothing.
- How do you know when you're done?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

- How about you, sir. What do you do?
- [MAN 2] I'm an engineer.

Lionel or HO?

- [DRUM ROLL]
- [LAUGHTER]

How about you, sir?
What do you do?

- Uh...
- Ah, now be careful.

Don't get it wrong.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Where are you from?
Baldymore?

[DRUM ROLL]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

- Where are you from, sir?
- [MAN 3] Milwaukee.

Hey!
Why, that's my hometown.

- Where... Where are you from?
- WOMAN: Seattle.

Hey, why that's my hometown.

- [DRUM ROLL]
- [INAUDIBLE SPEECH]

- Where are you from?
- [MAN 4] Chicago.

Hey!
Why, that's your hometown.

[DRUM ROLL]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Now I'd like to tell you
about my dumb sister.

She was so dumb that
she thought that a zebra

was the largest size it came in.

All right, Frenchman,
the ruse is up!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

- You got nothing on us!
- I do now.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Well, Frank, this case
is all wrapped up.

Veronica Rivers confessed
to killing Joey Koldys,

and we've got her and Vic
and the Frenchman

on the dope smuggling rap.

Yeah, from now on they'll all be up there
together in the Stateville Prison.

Yep, along with Martin
and Dutch and Lana,

Thames and Sally Decker.

- Captain, can I use your phone a minute?
- Yeah, go ahead.

And you know, Ed,
what all this goes to show

is that the only real dope

is the one who sells it
or buys it.